so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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