Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
