I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
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Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
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He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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