By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Randomize
