I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
