i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
