Cold hands, warm shart.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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