"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
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He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
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'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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