If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I think people are normalizing furries
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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