i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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