I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
This toilet bowl is my home.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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