I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
