if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
