I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
