I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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