I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
