I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
this just has baby written all over it
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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