I just saw a hot homeless man
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
