i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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