One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
