That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
