theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
