this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she pinky promised me she was 18
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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