I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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