i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
