At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
