Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
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As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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