The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
