Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
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youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize