I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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