Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
