Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
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he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
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What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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