How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
