Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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