just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
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His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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