if you like me you must not know who I am
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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