He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm getting married
To pizza
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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