I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
