worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
