im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
