Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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