Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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