I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
