Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
