you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
