I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
