It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
