I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
