I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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