My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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