Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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