Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Randomize
