Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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