walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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