I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
