I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
